If the horror movies of the last ten years have taught us anything, it’s that adhering to archaic rules like ‘don’t have sex,’ ‘don’t do drugs,’ and others like them won’t protect you. Spoiler alert: in Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard’s excellent The Cabin in the Woods, the stoner is one of the only survivors (which don’t really matter, because the world ends minutes afterwards); in The Babadook, the mother and her son have to learn to live with the titular monster instead of try to defeat it; and in AMC’s The Walking Dead, no one is safe. The rules are of little consequence; instead, the best one can hope for, if stuck in a horror movie, is to be prepared for the worst.
Thankfully, the good folks at Man Crates are thinking ahead. Providing gift baskets for men (or whoever may enjoy opening their presents with a crowbar), they’re unique delivery method allows one to consolidate everything they’ll need to survive a horror movie in one place.
What would go in my crate? Read on to find out.
1. A 5-gallon can of gas. Let’s face it, I’m not Dean Winchester. Throwing down with a machete-wielding Jason Voorhees or a rabid werewolf is not in the cards. The fuel can do one of two things. Firstly, you can use it to fill up your car’s tank and drive off into the sunset with Leatherface waving his chainsaw in the middle of the road and lamenting your escape. Secondly, if all else fails, nothing ends a movie like a good explosion. Blow up the haunted house with the ghosts inside. Blow up that possessed car before it runs you off the road. Gasoline is your friend.
2. A spare set of keys. That great escape I told you about? Not gonna happen if you drop your keys while running to your getaway car. If you have a spare car key (ideally attached somewhere on the car), you won’t have to die in an embarrassing way like being choked out while sitting in the driver’s seat and squealing about how you can’t find the keys.
3. Running shoes! I recommend Asics. My pair has lasted me over three years and I’ve done plenty of running in them. They’re perfect for making a break for your vehicle, or if for some reason your car still want start after taking precautions 1 & 2 into consideration, you’re gonna need to run. A lot. Without the proper shoes, evading a psycho killer can be quite exhausting.
4. Randy Orton! Yes, the wrestler. I can’ think of anyone I’d rather have in my corner than a guy who can hit an RKO out of nowhere and drive your assailant’s face into the ground. Of course you’ll have to make sure he’s well-fed and keeps up his workout regimen so when it’s time to fight, you can call on him.
5. A reliable spell-book to send any pea-soup vomiting demons back to the pit they crawled out of. The older and more beat-up the better. Bonus points if the book is also bound in human flesh. Be careful though, the wrong spell or the right spell uttered incorrectly can make things a lot worse. Bottom line, regardless of what you have in your crate, know your stuff.
Lucas Mangum 